I received my second infusion on June 28th. I was feeling better the previous afternoon, so got almost eighteen hours of comfort. First time in three weeks. Because my reaction to the first infusion was rather crazy (see the previous post), this time I received 80% of the chemo dose and 50% of the bone marrow drug dose. It seems to make a big difference. Several people, including my oncologist, offered to see the second infusion as being done with half of the treatment. With the experience I had after the first one, I consider “done” when all the side effects finally subside. My oncologist made a correction: “we are well on the way to the mid-point.” I’ll take it.
I must have grieved about my hair loss so intensely since May 1, when the necessity of chemo was suggested, that when it actually started falling out at the end of June, I felt almost nothing. I was mostly focused on the pragmatic part of cleaning the mess. As a friend pointed out, “grief is a beautiful animal once you befriend it.” It is a new friend for me for sure, as I shared before. I haven’t had much experience with it. And not all things can be grieved and be done with. But I got a glimpse.
This whole experience feels like a bootcamp for letting go. Letting go of any expectations or assumptions, letting go of “planning” (yes, even next week is too far away and unpredictable), staying intentionally in the present moment. “Life is open-ended,” “the future is open-ended,” “there is only now.” These statements have a different meaning within the c-word land. Or maybe I had to enter this land to truly face it. Still feels a bit foreign. I continue living in the “being” mode. The mind is not yet ready to engage productively, which may be a blessing of sorts. Non-productive engagement of the mind can easily become destructive. Not forcing “doing” anything. Grateful that with fully paid medical leave this is an option for me, which is not the case for many people going through similar experiences.
I’m rejoicing in walking and feeling more strength in my body. I’m rejoicing in seeing friends again, slowly, one at a time. I’m driving again, after not being able to for five weeks. I visited my favorite park and walked there for half an hour! I’m grateful to the multiple healers in my circle that through massage, energy treatments, acupuncture and various nutrients and minerals help my body (and mind) to move through this challenging process. Per my therapist’s advice, I’m connecting with my essence, which means noticing the rain drops on pine needles and within rose petals, rejoicing in (or sitting under) my large maple tree, marveling at bushy spearmint that seems to grow the wildest this year. Little pleasures, baby steps forward.
Katerina Bodovski Writings 